If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times. The world is scary. Drought, overpopulation, famine, pollution, the imminent threat of some psycho coming in and shooting up the place. Less about the latter and more about the former stuff. There’s a saying out there that if you aren’t working towards a solution then you are part of the problem. That prayers are useless if you’re not going to do anything. I don’t like being part of problems. I’m anti-problems. I want to help everyone. I want everyone to live in a house with a bed and running water and electricity and a fridge full of food. I want everyone and everything to be happy. And if I’m not going to go out there and help others and be part of the solution, then I’m part of the problem, right? I should be out there, organizing fundraisers or food drives, getting signatures or going on missionary trips to deliver care packages to orphans in Sudan. There’s just one problem.
I hate people.
That’s a harsh statement, and an inaccurate one. You see, I prefer most, if not all, my social interactions to be through writing or typing. The thought of introducing myself to new people brings a discomfort in me that I can only describe as stripping naked in front of a full audience at the Staple Center. That mix of nausea, shame, and the need to lock myself in a cupboard and cry until I die of dehydration.
This isn’t the first time my antisocial-ness gave me problems in terms of acting like a good person. I don’t like going to church alone for the similar reasons. If I find myself alone on any given Sunday, I text-invite any Jesus-friends I have. If I get no takers then I’ll catch a sermon on TV. But that doesn’t count, apparently. Someone once told me, “Church isn’t a place to go hang out with your friends. You’re supposed to go because of God.” I’m also supposed to worship with others at least once a week.
So what’s a person who’s afraid to leave their house to do in an event like this? I feel like that girl in Deuce Bigalow 2 who can’t touch doorknobs. The bad guy puts her in a room and all she has to do is open the door. Unlike me, she gets over her fears and opens the door so she can save Rob Schneider. I just stand awkwardly in situations with which I’m unfamiliar.
I work best in the background. At work I do most of the grunt work around the center and keep my head down so no one notices me. That’s probably why no one knows I exist there. But it’s okay for now. Because if I had to call anyone or talk to lot of strangers, I think I’d never go to work. I’m lucky that I only deal with a consistent few.
I wonder if there are any charities that will send me work I can do in my room. I wish I had more money. I would donate a lot. It’s the least I can do.
Am I a bad person for not helping? Are people who can’t get over certain hurdles when it comes to important things selfish? Share your thoughts below. And please, be respectful.